All winners sued by CrockfordsLONDON – Following a court victory against poker pro Phil Ivey, Crockfords Casino announced a wave of new lawsuits Thursday.

The casino is seeking restitution from tens of thousands of players that cheated by winning.

Legally, the house must always win

Last week the High Court of Justice in England ruled against Ivey, who had sought $12.7 million in withheld Punto Banco winnings.

The Court found that Ivey had cheated by giving himself an advantage, which the nature of the game precludes.

“This ruling sets an important precedent,” said a spokesman for Crockfords. “All of our games are designed so that we should always win.”

“Ergo, anytime we do not win,” the spokesperson continued, “the player has cheated.”

Over 42,000 lawsuits to be filed by casino

Following the incident with Ivey, Crockfords’ auditors were shocked to discover that over 42,000 other patrons had also won money from the casino in the past year alone.

In a conference call to shareholders, Genting CEO Peter Brooks vowed to correct what he termed a “massive breach” in security and protocol.

“We regret to report that every game offered at Crockfords was compromised. Players walked out of our casino with winnings from blackjack, pai gow, roulette, video poker, and dozens of other games,” said Brooks.

“Even our slot machines,” said Brooks, his voice quivering with a mix of anger and disbelief, “were found to be intermittently awarding large jackpots well in excess of a patron’s wager.”

Bingo granny or grifter scum?

“Rest assured,” Brooks concluded, “we will recoup the illicit gains ruthlessly pocketed by these grifter scum posing as well-intentioned customers.”

But several defendants are claiming that winning at the casino was an honest mistake.

Janice Ware, a retired schoolteacher and grandmother of 7 from Kensington, told reporters: “I meant to lose my money, I did.”

“I was just confused by all the flashing lights, the absence of clocks and windows, and the complimentary cocktails. It was so very disorienting. I didn’t even realize that I had walked out with an extra five pounds from bingo.”

“I’m so sorry,” said Ware, fishing a five pound note from her purse and proffering it to the camera. “Here it is, here, please.”

Initial filings to the court indicate that Crockfords will also be seeking punitive damages.