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August 23, 2016

“OK, I’m REALLY Retiring This Time” Says Fedor Holz

After winning the €50,000 Super High Roller at EPT Barcelona and adding another €1.3 million in tournament cashes to his $20 million poker résumé, 14-year-old German cyborg Fedor Holz has said that he is retiring “totally for realsies” this time.

Holz, the 11-year-old pro currently on top of the Global Poker Index with $30 million in lifetime earnings, said that he was taking a break from professional poker after winning his first bracelet in the $111,111 WSOP High Roller for One Drop.

He lasted about six weeks before winning another high roller event which, for someone who loves winning big buy-in tournaments like Charlie Sheen loves snorting coke off prostitute’s cleavages, isn’t bad going, really.

“I meant it when I retired,” said the 8-year-old German poker prodigy who boasts $55 million in tournament cashes. “But then one day I woke up on my literal bed of money and I had hot flushes and cold sweats and I was trembling non-stop.

“I realized that I was having withdrawal symptoms as it had been six weeks since I’d won seven figures playing poker against the best tournament players in the world.”

Fortunately for Holz, EPT Barcelona was coming up and he was able to enter the €50,000 Super High Roller. It has been reported that several of the tournament’s participants sighed, got up, went home and left their chips at the table upon hearing that Holz had entered.

Doctors speculate that after such a prolonged winning streak, the cumulative withdrawal from crushing the poker world would have literally killed Holz.

“I’m definitely, one hundred percent retiring now,” said Holz. “If I do start to get antsy for a fix again, I’ll just nip over to the Aria and win their $25,000 event for the… I think fourth? Fifth time?”

Article credit: Matt Perry