SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Citing “a continual pattern of hate speech,” the King of Hearts announced today that he has filed a series of suits against card manufacturers Hoyle, Kem, Bee, and Bicycle in federal court.

Specifically, the King says that he has suffered unduly due to his continual association with self-harm – his well-known moniker “the Suicide King” has long been a source of frustration and sadness for the monarch.

A statement from the Suici- er, King of Hearts

“I am sick and tired of being the face of an act that destroys lives and families,” said the King, holding back tears.

“People who use cards with my image on them don’t need to constantly be reminded of the specter of death. It’s not right!”

Court documents indicate that the King is seeking $100 million in actual and punitive damages from each company.

Attorneys for the King say this amount will “send a message that our client is an agent of love, rather than hate.”

A response from the card companies

Brian Toback, director of public relations for Hoyle, dismissed the suit as frivolous.

“The king’s legal action is quite irresponsible at this time in American history,” said Toback.

“We are confident that we will prevail in court, and that the American public will be reassured that our traditional depiction of the plaintiff is not advocating self-harm in any way.

“Furthermore, we apologize for anyone who feels as though the King’s image is offensive or inflammatory.”

Support from the card community

Representatives for almost all the face cards pledged their support to the King’s action.

In fact, there are indications that the Jacks of Spades and Clubs are planning separate filings of their own to bar the use of the phrase “One-Eyed Jacks” as a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

When we asked the Jack of Clubs for a comment, he said:

“We’re not going to put up with this any longer! I’m with the King!”

An hour later, the Jack’s official Twitter page published an #imwithkoh hashtag, which immediately began trending worldwide.

The likely outcomes

No trial date has been set for the King of Hearts’ day in court, and legal scholars suspect that a settlement is likely with some of the companies, particularly if the companies pledge to fund an awareness campaign against card-inspired self-harm.

We will update this report as this developing situation unfolds.

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