Following years of nominations and inductions of what they deem to be “unworthy” players, the OSPPDL (Old School Poker Player Defense League) is saying enough is enough.

The newly-formed group started a campaign to change the qualifications for the Poker Hall of Fame this week. Members of the OSPPDL want to bring about what they believe is a more accurate standard for determining a poker player’s Hall of Fame credentials.

“We don’t feel it’s right for these guys from countries that can’t even spell poker to be nominated for the Poker Hall of Fame,” the OSPPDL said in a press release. “None of these players meet any of our criteria, and since we’re Hall of Famers our opinions are the only ones that matter.”

The new Hall of Fame criteria

The OSPPDL’s proposed Hall of Fame qualifications state that a player must have:

  • Traveled extensively in Texas
  • Never stopped talking about the old days of travelling extensively in Texas
  • Been robbed at least three times, with at least one robbery at the hands of crooked police officers
  • Used most of their poker winnings to make bad real estate investments
  • A geographical nickname that doesn’t make sense

Hall of Fame induction can be fast tracked if a person has lost at least $5,000,000 to current Poker Hall of Famers. These “donators,” as the press release calls them, “have poker spirit and grit and we love them for it.”

OSPPDL makes its case

According to an OSPPDL spokesman calling himself Milwaukee Bob, the biggest part of the problem is, “these whippersnappers don’t respect what we did back in the day.”

“They sit in these safe air-conditioned casinos, or in their skivvies playing the online pokers,” Milwaukee Bob said in what turned out to be a 20 minute rant aimed at anyone under the age of 50.

Milwaukee Bob, whose closest friends call him Roscoe the Greek or Indianapolis Craig, is originally from Syracuse, New York and now lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. His favorite sports team is the New York Mets.

“First these fellas complained about the smoke from our cigars,” he said. “Then they started bellyaching because we was working together in teams. They think poker games need to be on the square?

“These new players ain’t too bright; who’s gonna win money in a poker game without some bottom dealing and cold decking?”

Is Mortensen a Hall of Famer?

BCP Spoke to a current Hall of Famer about this year’s nominees.

“I’ve never heard of this Mortensen fella, so I asked around and it turns out this guy’s never been robbed at gunpoint! NEVER!” current Poker Hall of Famer Wild Edmund Dolly told BCP.

The poker legend, who claims he’s been beating the game since 1842 and is an authority on the game because he was a personal friend of every poker player who ever lived, went on to say:

“Ya’ll was there when I asked ’em point blank: has a couple of bad hombres ever pointed a shotgun at ya snout, made ya strip down to what the good lord gave ya and spread em? Just to make sure ya wasn’t hiding your grandpappy’s diamond ring up ya trap door?”

We caught this exchange on tape, and with BCP cameras rolling a befuddled Carlos Mortensen sheepishly answered, “I don’t think so, but I’m not sure what a trap door is?”

Mortensen’s response caused Oklahoma Goldie Moss to slap his knee and cackle so hard he nearly dropped the six shooter he was holding. Once the laughing fit subsided, he explained to a very uneasy Mortensen that he simply can’t vote for a player who hasn’t been through this type of situation at least once.

Real poker players have had their buttocks spread by the barrel of a gun son!” El Paso Dewey Crandall told Mortensen. “Why, you ain’t no poker player, you’s a dandy!”

But not everyone agrees with Kid Texas Masterson about Mortensen’s credentials. Even Milwaukee Bob sees a path to the Hall for Mortensen. Milwaukee Bob said that as long as Mortensen embraced the “Dandy” nickname he was just given, he would consider voting for him.

“A poker player’s only as good as his nickname,” Milwaukee Bob said.

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