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May 12, 2016

Man Develops Total Disease Immunity By Eating At Poker Tables

poker table soupLos Angeles – We are now able to report that Todd Thacker, a regular at the $5/$10 game of a major Los Angeles card room, has developed immunity to all known diseases on the earth.

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic and Duke University Medical Center have performed rigorous tests in the last six months. They have injected Mr. Thacker with a broad spectrum of bacterial, fungal, and viral cultures. In each case, and to the astonishment of all, Mr. Thacker’s immune system has killed each disease within twelve hours of introduction.

Sources indicate that Mr. Thacker’s immunity can be directly attributed to his years-long practice of ordering and consuming full meals while playing cards. The frequent contact of food particles with the standard detritus, filth, and grime at a typical table caused his body to enhance its defenses and prepare for the worst.

Samples of Mr. Thacker’s blood have indicated remnants of tuberculosis, pneumonia, staph, influenza, and bubonic plague – yet all of these remnants have been destroyed and torn apart by Mr. Thacker’s oversized white blood cells.

Mr. Thacker accepts his newfound powers with aplomb.

“Whatever…I guess it’s good that I won’t get the sniffles anymore,” he said, in between mouthfuls of a Reuben that had partially rested in an ashtray.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the US military is planning to hire Mr. Thacker as a contractor. The preliminary concept is to drop various chemical weapons on him and see if anything gets through, and consuming meals in poker rooms may soon become part of the Army’s Basic Training.

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Article credit: Staff