Mike Matusow COVID-19
Mike Matusow is among the many poker players looking healthier and happier since the quarantine.

LAS VEGAS – A worldwide pandemic is usually not a time when people extend their life expectancies. However, for serious poker players, the quarantine has paid nothing but dividends in their physical conditioning.

“I feel great,” said Bobby Turner, 46, who averages 55+ hours of play per week. “I started eating this light meal at the beginning of the day that comes with complex carbohydrates and protein. My wife called it ‘breakfast.’”

Turner, whose first quarantine experience involved the realization that he was married, said that he didn’t know where oatmeal has been all of his life. The newfound burst of nutrition and a light morning jog has lowered his resting heart rate into double digits for the first time in years.

“I’m baffled,” said Dr. Joseph Malenwitz, Turner’s doctor. “I had this guy in our office death pool, and it looked to be in the bag. Now, he’s got this semi-normal blood pressure and cholesterol thing going on, and it’s just killing my action.”

Turner’s sudden resurgence is not an isolated event, either. Doctors around the Las Vegas valley have reported their poker player clients are testing far healthier than ever before.

Dr. Herman Zivler, who declined to name any of his clients, concurred with the findings.

“I guess it makes sense,” Zivler said. “Some of these guys eat mini corndogs and nachos at the table every single meal and literally haven’t seen the sun for a decade.”

“I don’t want to say coronavirus saves lives or anything, but if you’re looking for the silver lining to a calamitous pandemic, it’s that these guys may actually live to be 60 before they die at the table.”

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