Sheldon Adelson creates New Heaven after initial entry denied due to the Wire Act

Elysium – Wow, outrageous news out of the Great Beyond this week, as God himself has passed down a ruling that Sheldon Adelson cannot be admitted into Heaven as it would violate the terms of The Wire Act of 1961.

The news has sent shockwaves throughout the gambling and religious communities as Sheldon was considered to be a shoo-in thanks to his many charitable contributions over the years.

While living, Sheldon Adelson was one of the richest men on Earth and worth several billion dollars. However, many in the poker community vilified him for his hard stance against online poker. What those players are forgetting is that since Adelson was born in the 1930s, he had no idea what the internet was in the first place.

Archangel-at-Law Gabriel spoke with members of the press shortly after the decision:

Please calm down, everyone. Mr. Adelson’s admission or lack thereof is simply a matter of timing. Sheldon Adelson submitted his admittance request while still a living member of the planet Earth. As such his submission was automatically rejected as the Wire Act clearly makes it illegal for submissions to cross state of existence lines. In his ethereal form, Mr. Adelson is welcome to submit again and be considered equally with other candidates.

Adelson has no plans to reapply

A representative for Mr. Adelson was quick to announce that the former casino mogul would not be attempting to get into Heaven because Heaven itself is below his standards.

“Mr. Adelson has never once sought admittance into Heaven, nor will he in the future, as it doesn’t meet his standards of excellence. And furthermore, I’m happy to announce, that after careful consideration Mr. Adelson has decided to begin construction on his own Heaven – a luxurious, exclusive high-rise in the heart of the Cosmos open only to the most exclusive clientele.”

Indeed, New Heaven broke ground this past Monday with several cherubim and seraphim calling the new resort “top of the line” and “a dream eternal resting place.”

When asked if any poker players had made attempts to reserve their seat in New Heaven, the resort was quick to point out that they had not since poker players don’t have souls.

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