DoJ SealFor American customers of Full Tilt Poker, the path to getting their bankrolls back has been a long and frustrating one.

And now, BCPoker can reveal the latest twist: The DoJ plans to return full Full Tilt balances to all American customers – except for players authorities classify as “total donks.”

DoJ “Can’t Believe” The Garbage Donks Play

According to sources, the DoJ decided to exclude donks – along with muppets, lagtards, fish, über-nits, button open-limpers, calling stations and river rats – from the remission process after reviewing the mountain of data turned over by Full Tilt Poker.

“You wouldn’t believe some of the garbage these idiots play,” said our source inside the DoJ. “Any ace, even with a raise and re-raise in front.”

“And don’t even get me started on suited cards,” the source continued. “Ohhhhhhhhh, it’s suited, imma donk, imma play it. Why give them money back when they’re just going to spew off on some raggedy-ass hand?”

The DoJ is also considering excluding bumhunters from the Full Tilt remission process.

Appeal Possible With Proof of Non-Donkness

While the DoJ appears set on their “no dollars for donks” policy, customers labeled as donks will be able to appeal their status.

The DoJ will consider appeals from players who pass a so-called “donk detector” test. Questions from the prototype test include:

  • “You’re on the button with 85o and it folds to you. Do you A) Raise, B) Fold, C) Limp because, hey, anything could happen?”
  • “You have a flush draw and aren’t getting odds to call, but you haven’t hit a draw in a long time. Do you A) Fold, B) Raise because you’re totally due or C) What are odds?”
  • “You’re at a live poker room waiting for a no limit game when a seat at 3/6 Limit Hold’em opens. Do you A) Pass up the seat and stare blankly at the wall, B) Pass up the seat and re-read Phil Hellmuth’s CardPlayer column or C) Take the seat and buy four racks to intimidate the table?”

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