“Oh, By the Way, the Cash-Out Curse Was Real,” Cackles A Smug Russ Hamilton While Smoking A Cigar With His Feet On His Desk
Las Vegas, NV – I knew it!
Cartoon super villain Russ Hamilton recently came clean to reporters this week when he revealed a shocking new corruption that he implemented during his tenure as head of UltimateBet.
Apparently, all your suspicions were justified as it has now been confirmed that the dreaded “cash-out curse” was real all along.
“I planned it all from day one.. and you were all powerless to stop me!” wheezed Hamilton while sitting in front of a fireplace, smoking a cigar, and petting a fluffy white cat.
UltimateBet was even worse than you could have imagined
Details are scare, but according to Hamilton, anytime a cash out on UltimateBet — or their sister site Absolute Poker — was processed a line of code was automatically added to the player’s account that would cause them to lose twice as many all-ins as usual and be dealt cooler after cooler for at least one week.
“And the best part was if anyone started complaining about running bad after cashing out, their friends would all label them as conspiracy theorists,” laughed Hamilton as lightning struck behind him and the fire glowed ever brighter.
Poker players have long known about the nefarious nature of UltimateBet. The cheating scandals are well-documented, but confirmation of the cash-out curse simply confirms several players’ worst fears.
Waddling over to his favorite lounge chair, Hamilton continued:
“Do you think it was an accident that players discovered the superuser accounts? It was I who allowed the 2+2 community to know the location of the random card generator! I needed to send players over to FullTilt, where I was ALSO super-using, but this time with rakeback. Oh, I’m afraid the God Mode software was quite operational when the new players arrived.”
Everything you heard was true
Naturally, what was revealed enraged the reporters gathered there.
“That’s not true! That’s impossible!” they responded… somehow in unison.
“Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”
Several of the reporters did and it was.
“Why tell you now, you might ask? Simple. I need you to report on the dangers of online poker.”
And that’s when Sheldon Adelson emerged out from the shadows.
“What is thy bidding, my master?” he obediently asked Hamilton.
“Tell this pitiful rebel band to report on the destructive nature of online poker. It is the only way to drive customers back to our brick and mortar casinos. Yes… now you see the truth of it. I have always had a majority stake in the Vegas casinos. And now your reporting will drive online poker into the ground!”
Stunned, the reporters knew in their hearts that it all finally made sense, and what they had to do. One by one, they left the room, went home, and recorded podcasts that no one really listened to.
“Do you think any of this will really make a difference, Russ?” Sheldon began, but when he turned around Hamilton wasn’t there.
Just an empty chair, a smoldering cigar, a curtain blowing in the breeze.
Article credit: Pete Carter