Phil Hellmuth Beheaded

We are sad to report the death of poker legend Phil Hellmuth, who was beheaded after his defeat and subsequent tirade at the inaugural Westeros Poker Open. Several other players have met their end through various betrayals and stabbings.

Hellmuth, or The Mouth of Hell, was knocked out of the tournament when his pocket queens lost to Jon Snow’s pocket threes. Unfortunately, he chose to berate the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and was summarily executed for his insubordination and insolence.

The deaths are said to be the result of the tournament director’s controversial rule regarding showdown. Jengus Flynt, son of Nengal, said that players must be alive at showdown to receive the pot, and this ruling has led to many players having their throats cut on the turn and river.

To most observers, tournament format is a refreshing change

Daenerys Targaryen, hostess and patron of the event, said that she had enjoyed the action so far, despite the bloodshed.

“It’s nice to see this kind of savagery out in the open,” she said. “Too often, the daggers and swords are plunged into backs around here.”

No sooner had she finished her statement, a fresh arterial spray from a nearby table sprinkled the gallery in red. The crowd responded gleefully, shrieking and laughing, as the corpse of another competitor was hauled out of the hall.

At the time of this writing, Tyrion Lannister remained in the chip lead. However, Arya Stark was making a late charge after a good run of cards and killing five men. When asked about the permanent loss of so many skillful players, Targaryen merely shrugged, saying, “Ry vali ojughagon va se qelbar.”

In High Valerian, Targaryen’s mother tongue, this phrase translates to “All men lose on the river.”


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