The Pearly Gates, Heaven – We have just received word that poker player Sam Grizzle, who passed away suddenly this week, has been granted automatic entry into Heaven. According to our sources in the afterlife, Grizzle received the free pass from judgment due to the fact that he punched out Phil Hellmuth during his lifetime.
Grizzle fast-tracked
Instead of enduring the usual entry process at St. Peter’s famous portal, Grizzle was shuffled out of line by several cherubim and hustled through a side entrance to Paradise. Other souls awaiting entry found the move curious but did not dare to entertain jealousy for fear of being denied their reward.
Grizzle was reportedly escorted to Heaven’s eternal poker game and seated at a table with former President Harry S. Truman, Chip Reese, Gavin Smith, and Mike Sexton. All four, who now occupied their noncorporeal forms and seemed to be made mostly of brilliant light, welcomed the new player to the game and immediately dealt him in.
According to BonusCodePoker’s senior afterlife correspondent, the order to admit Grizzle came down from the Almighty Himself. Although God the Father loves all of His children unconditionally, including Hellmuth, He decreed Grizzle’s 2008 punch to the Poker Brat’s face in the Binion’s parking lot be venerated as a bit of divine justice.
As a result, Grizzle’s entry into Paradise was secured. He will also be commemorated in one of Heaven’s many pavilions, which commemorate great acts of valor undertaken in life.
What’s next?
Grizzle, who was perhaps the most-aptly named poker player outside of Chris Moneymaker, will now spend eternity in the bosom of the Lord. In addition to playing in the aforementioned poker game, he will dine on ambrosia and nectar, experience delights beyond the scope of human imagination, and needle the various angels and luminaries who sit at his table.
He’s reportedly enjoying himself but is already struggling with Heaven’s ban on swearing.
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