Mobile, AL – Fresh from graduating from the famed “University of Life” after he was kicked out of kindergarten for chewing on his crayons, mono-browed part-time bigfoot hunter and full-time tobacco-chewer, Defekus McSpittle may just have hit upon one of the greatest strategies in poker.
While signing up with GGPoker to begin what he fully expects to be a short climb to the top of the poker rankings and a life of luxury that will allow him to finally plumb in his toilet to the septic tank, Defekus sat for a while struggling to answer some of the great and complex questions posed to him to become a member.
He confirmed his name from his birth certificate, and fortunately knew his date of birth to be “Tuesday.”
However, he hit paydirt when asked to consider what name he should choose to be his new poker nickhame.
Defekus takes up the story:
He Meant Bidness
“I wanted a nickname that showed people I mean’t bidness,” he said in our exclusive interview.
“But I also wanted a name that would strike the fear of God into opponents, so they know not to trifle with me,”
In a rare moment of wisdom, Mr McSpittle had a flash of inspiration.
“I realised that it ain’t easy in this game, and any edge you have, you gotta take. For me that’s my brain,” he said while chewing his toenails.
“So, I came up with my nickname to show them poker people just what they dealin’ with.”
“That name was “ThePokerDeemon” he said as lightning flashed ominously outside and doors started to creak and groan.
Slight Error
Not only was his nickname sorted, Mr McSpittle took things even further.
“I didn’t want folks just to see the nickname and think, ‘man, what a loser’, so I decided to up the ante a little more with my avatar.”
After spending many hours online, he finally worked out how to use Google Image Search and then found an avatar that depicts a strange, frightening winged demon, clutching in its claws the bloodied severed head of Chris Ferguson, although on closer inspection, it is actually a picture of WWE star The Undertaker.
“Yeah, that as my bad,” stated Mr McSpittle. “I mean hell, they near-as-dammit a lookee-likey anyways.”
“And I know I spelt ‘deemon’ wrong too. I just ain’t had time to figure out where the delete button is yet on this darned toplap thing,”
The Poker World In Disarray
Armed with his new nickname and avatar, Mr McSpittle decided to put his poker skills to the test.
“I’ve seen poker before, it was fun and kinda easy to be honest wid ya,” he reflected.
“And I wadna gonna wait to git rich quick, so I loaded up a big money game and waited.”
“I’ll admit, I didn’t realise you had to click on the seat to join the table, so I waited a good long while there! But hey, I won’t make that donk mistake agin!”
After six hours thinking he was playing when he was just watching, Mr McSpittle accidentally fell asleep and his lolling head clicked on the button to seat him at the table.
What happened next is now the stuff of legend, at least in the confines of his luxury trailer, which comes with windows AND doors.
“Couldn’t Lose”
McSpittle started to play and soon he claimed he was well ahead at the table and his opponents were falling by the wayside in their droves.
“I couldn’t believe it! It was so easy! They took one look at my name and whoosh! They were outta there! I couldn’t lose if I tried and believe me I did!”
Mr McSpittle confided in us that the litany of poker stars he had beaten were in awe of his talent.
“That nice Canadian guy, Danny NickyNockyNoo, he said I was the best he’d ever faced. Phil and Ivy, both of those said I was too scary to take on, and the mayo guy, Phil Hellmans, he called me an ass-hat when I beat him and gave him all my chips and he said I was just lucky, which was a huge boost to my ego!”
When asked to prove his story, Mr McSpittle couldn’t find the $0.01/$0.02 table that he’d faced the other guys at, but was adamant that it really happened.
“I mean I could’na dreamed it! I can remember smoking the dope beforehand!” he countered.
V-For Las Vegas
The poker world is now McSpittle’s oyster.
And he has big plans for the future, powered on by his terrifying nickname and avatar.
“I am gonna head to Vegas sometime, just as soon as I’ve won enough to get another wheel for my car. Imma three short at the moment. V-for Las Vegas! That’s wad Elvis said ain’t it?! Heehaw!”
It seemed churlish to mention that at the real world tables in Vegas, his avatar and nickname would not be used or apparent, but we thought it best not to mention it.
With a bankroll of literally dollars behind him, is Vegas ready for McSpittle and could we be on the brink of witnessing another version of Archie Karas’ The Run?
Once he’s got the wheels on the car, remembered to pump them up and then filled his tank with gas, we may well find out, probably sometime around the end of 2038.
