Vienna, Austria – Wow, shocking news this morning as a European poker player has announced absolutely shocking news this morning. German super high roller crusher Heinz Gerschwolt revealed that he fears he may slowly be developing a personality.
“The doctors say there’s nothing they can do,” he told reporters. “When I started playing high stakes poker at eleven months old, I thought I had a good temperament for the game. I never threw tantrums. I never went on tilt. I was able to keep a level head.”
However, after winning over 30 million Euros by the time I was 21, something strange happened. I started to feel what many would call joy. And then other times, I noticed other emotions like perhaps anger. I immediately plugged all of this information into my solver, but the computer didn’t have the answers. It… didn’t have the answers…
Gerschwolt immediately consulted with the world’s top neuroscientists, psychiatrists, psychologists and anthropologists. The consensus was unanimous – he was developing a personality.
“Telling my parents was very difficult namely because it forced me to walk out of the basement and upstairs. There’s sunshine up there and it hurts my eyes. My mother was very understanding. My father, however, kept asking what the hell I was talking about. And he eventually went outside and chopped down a tree.”
Gerschwolt’s doctors say his personality is likely permanent, and that he will need to learn to live with it for the rest of his life. Another doctor noted that this was the dumbest conversation he had ever had. And yet another noted that he wasn’t even a real doctor at all. Just a butcher wearing a white coat, but he felt privileged to be consulted nevertheless.
Gerschwolt plans to continue to play poker, although he says he worries other high-stakes players will fake fun of him for emoting happiness when he wins tournaments, displaying sadness when he loses them, and also his lazy eye.
However, he says he knows the risks, and plans to tackle his personality head-on.
Editor’s note: This story was originally reported by The New York Times
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