A Day in the Life of Phil Hellmuth

by Staff
on July 9th, 2013
in Parody Poker News

BCPoker recently acquired an exclusive copy of Phil Hellmuth's day planner.

Now, for the first time anywhere, we can provide a fascinating insight into a typical day in the life of one of poker's most successful and best-known pros.

8:30am: Carefully selects day’s clothing from a wide spectrum of choices ranging from “black” to “none more black”.

8:45am – 9:30am: Accuse wife of “slowrolling” in the bathroom, before finally engaging in morning routine consisting of showering, brushing teeth, and powdering mole

9:35am: Joins 4-handed sit n’ go breakfast with wife and two sons. Finishes 1st

10:00am: Checks emails. Sends a blanket apology email with “Reply All”

10:15am – 10:34am: Challenges sons to a game of scrabble. Game abruptly ends with tiles still left in the bag, after Nicholas spells “cockalorum” on a triple word score.

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10:40am – 11:40am: Daily hour spent attempting to move poker chip with mind.

11:52am – 11:57am: Leaves daily and increasingly sarcastic message on Mike Matusow’s voicemail congratulating him on his NBC Heads-up championship.

12:05pm – 12:30pm: Lunch in front of mirror.

1:45pm: After a week of meticulous planning and choreography, arrives for televised Bellagio tournament in horse-drawn carriage sporting historically accurate period attire including powdered wig, silk stockings, breeches, ruffled shirt, tricorn hat, and headphones; only to find that he had been blinded out three days prior.

1:52pm – 2:49pm: Failed argument with tournament director, Jack McClelland, over ability to win tournament without chips.

3:00pm – 3:01pm: Rails tournament until observing hand qualifying for verbal beratement. Volunteers beratement. Heads home.

4:10pm: Challenges wife to an arm wrestling match. Finishes 1st.

5:30pm – 5:55pm: Heads-up supper with wife, as children are at ‘grandpa Doyle's'. Finishes on the bubble.

6:00pm – 6:25pm: Quiet weeping.

6:30pm – 7:30pm: Hour spent carefully removing the number '12' from boxer briefs in order to hand stitch the number '13' in their stead.

8:35pm: Re-fax Brad Pitt his screenplay, “The Phil Hellmuth Story: A Truth Greater than Legend” starring Brad Pitt as Phil Hellmuth (in case he missed the first few copies).

8:55pm: Receives 2nd Cease and Desist return fax from Brad Pitt.

9:30pm: Attempt to re-employ powdered wig for the bedroom, however wife's impromptu giggles force a pre-flop fold.

10:00pm: Authentic Phil Hellmuth wig listed on E-Bay. Reserve set at $10,000. Buy-it-now set at $50,000.

10:30pm: Goes to bed only to be hounded by recurring nightmare of being chased by ‘roided-out Daniel Negreanu.

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