Phil Laak Diagnosed with Phil Laak’s Disease
LAS VEGAS — After years of deteriorating physical and mental health, Phil Laak has been formally diagnosed with Phil Laak’s Disease (PLD).
The disease, known to affect roughly 1 in every 7.167 billion people, is characterized by symptoms like:
- Spastic mannerisms.
- Tangential, nonsequitur-ridden thought processes.
- Discordant speech patterns.
Phil Laak’s case was particularly severe, forcing him to suffer the hallucinatory duress of believing he was Ted Kacyznski (aka the Unabomber) for more than a decade.
The diagnosing physician, Dr. Doyle Brunson, who received an honorary doctorate while sitting at the same table as Antonio Esfandiari, had been seeing Laak for many years:
“I knew somethin’ wasn’t right with him [Laak] from day one,” said Brunson. “I kept thinking maybe he’d get better one day, but I finally realized that maybe he’s sick; like sick in the head. That’s when I finally told him he’s got Phil Laak’s Disease.”
Antonio Esfandiari agreed with Dr. Doyle’s diagnosis, “Oh, yea, of course. I mean I always just figured it was drugs, you know? Hey, want to see what I can do with this chip? …Weeeeeeeee, I love America!”
Laak responds to PLD diagnosis
After receiving the devastating news, Laak made his way to the Bellagio, armed with a half empty water bottle he believed to be a microphone, to give the following speech:
“Today I consider myself the luckiest man… hey, wait, aren’t there supposed to be echoes? Am I supposed to do them myself, oh, ok… Today-day-day, no, ok, that’s not right.
Hey it’s weird like, one day you’re like eating a sandwich with like hot sauce, and the next you find out, hey I’ve got a disease, and that it’s named after you, or me, because before when you were eating the sandwich, you didn’t know, but now, I mean, sure, ok, you know?
…Hey, how many blue pieces of a paper do you think are in this room? It’s ok if you don’t know the real number, it’s like what you think… no, don’t tell me, write it down… I’m going to guess ok?”
Several hours passed before Laak realized that the slot machine was not going to answer.
Perhaps hit hardest of all was Jennifer Tilly who, through tear-choked sobs, could barely utter, “I h-hope it’s not s-s-sexually trans-mi-mi-mitted…”
Article credit: ChexWithRaisins