After years of cruising around the world on sex-filled yachts and week-long parties, multi-millionaire social media sensation Dan Bilzerian has finally caught his big break and signed with online poker site GGPoker.
Bilzerian joins a roster that includes Daniel Negreanu, Fedor Holz, Bertrand Grospellier, and undoubtedly some other pros we’re forgetting.
Bilzerian, or “Blitz” as he’s known among his friends and the Planned Parenthood staff, has trademarked himself as a hardcore partier and high stakes poker player. And while many say he only inherited his fortune from his father, others counter that he inherited his fortune from his father and his mother.
Wearing a 21-year-old as a facemask, the 39-year-old addressed reporters this morning saying, “Ever since I was a toddler, getting high and having sex have always been very important to me. And now that I’m sponsored by GGPoker, your rake can help pay for that.”
“I’d also like to add-” But the press conference was suddenly stopped short when a rogue orgy overtook the newsroom forcing everyone to join.
Naturally, Poker Twitter reacted to the news with a blistering rage equivalent to when Sean Penn found out his daughter died in Mystic River.
“I have never been more offended in my entire life,” noted Isaac Haxton.
“This is a slap in the face to women everywhere,” tweeted out Liv Boeree.
And Justin Bonomo simply exploded on the spot leaving an 11-mile wide crater.
Luckily, options trader and Fountain of Youth discoverer Bill Perkins came to Bilzerian’s defense saying, “Look. Ok, yes, Dan has been with many, many women. Thousands, alright? And yes, he’s burned more weed than California forest fires. And sure, he’s not technically the best player around. OK? But let me ask you this. What was your question again?”
Love him or hate him, the Dan Bilzerian signing just goes to show you: if you work hard enough, and are talented enough, you’ll still never have as much money as Bill Perkins.
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