New York – A heart-warming tale arrives from the Big Apple this week, as federal prosecutors are finishing off a few more things on their to-do list before unsealing a federal indictment against player-friendly Global Poker.
โWe wanted to do it last week, but weโve been absolutely swamped this last month,โ noted attorney Philip Nerfel.
โWhen we shut down Stars and UB and Tilt, they called it Black Friday, which had such a nice ring to it. But this isnโt quite as big a deal for us, so weโre thinking about just calling it nothing-else-to-do Tuesday.โ
Global Poker has branded itself as a free-to-play social poker site, with advertisements appearing on Facebook and even professional sporting events. But some have questioned the siteโs legality, since the site charges rake and players can cash out for real money. And also because itโs completely illegal.
We were able to talk to unassuming Global Poker CEO Herman Dundee, who carefully explained Globalโs business model to us:
โLook, itโs all very simple. You canโt play for real money on our site. You can only play for โGold Coins.โ Now you buy Gold Coins with regular US dollars, just like how you buy upgrades in Candy Crush for example. And sure, I suppose Sweeps Cash at Global Poker can be exchanged for real cash. And I guess we give players exactly 1 Sweeps Cash for every 1 US dollar they spend, but thatโs just a coincidence! Yeah, yeah thatโs it. Hey, whatโs going on here? Wait a minuteโฆ youโre not my normal masseuse! Run!โ
Global Poker is one of the fastest-growing poker sites in the U.S. and clearly not a sponsor of our site. Global caters to recreational poker players by not allowing HUDs, having much faster tournament structures, and charging more rake than you could possibly imagine. But everyone seems to enjoy playing on it or at least they will until the DOJ shuts them down just for funsies.
We at BonusCodePoker canโt possibly speculate on what a raid on the Global Poker offices would look like, but it would probably look exactly like this:
An eerily quiet autumn morning. Fog still in the trees. Dew on the grass. A SWAT team silently descends upon Global Poker headquarters. Birds erupt from the trees as the thunderous crack of a smashed door interrupts the stillness. The screaming SWAT team swarms the office to findโฆ nothing. No computers, no terminals. Just empty desks and unassuming office chairs. The team breaches the first floor to the main office where they find a single employee. His back facing them, staring out the window, he tosses his cigarette on the ground, before looking over his shoulder and asking softly, โWell, what took you so long?โ
Later in a dimly lit interrogation room, the handcuffed, nonplussed, Global Poker scapegoat stares curiously at the mustachioed grizzled cop, who wipes the sweat from his forehead before leaning across the desk barking:
โCโmon, buddy, come clean! Whereโs the money? Whereโd you boys send it? Cayman Islands? Malaysia?! Damn it, man, where is all that cash!?โ
A pause.
โWhy, officer, didnโt anyone tell you? We donโt deal with cash at Global Poker. Our playersโฆ
โฆuse Gold coins.โ
FADE TO BLACK.
Bet365 Bonus Code, Sports, Casino and Poker Sign up offers and News
18+ Worried about your gambling? ย ย
Gamcare -ย When the fun stops โ STOP!