Local Man Who Almost Won Platinum Pass Certain He Would Have Won Whole PSPC

by Keith Woernle
on January 9th, 2019
in Parody Poker News

Turning Stone, NY – Ugh, what might have been. Local player Roger Telupo has been figuratively beside himself all week! Why? Because the PokerStars Players Championship has been running in the Bahamas and Roger was this close to being one of the Platinum Pass winners in attendance.

Had he won, it’s all but certain that he would have been the guy raising the trophy at the end of the week. Talk about your rotten luck!

Can you believe this guy's luck?

Roger, 52, has been following the action on Twitch, YouTube and the PokerStars blog all week shaking his head and grumbling obscenities each time he sees a player make a bad bluff or weak lay-down.

“Would ya look at that! Unbelievable!” he exclaimed after watching Phil Hellmuth bust out midway through Day 2.

Putting all his money in there with a couple of tens. Now see, had it been me in there, I would have just called the re-raise with them tens, make sure no over cards come, and THEN moved all in. No way anyone would call me.

Telupo’s animosity originated after he cashed in a MoneyMaker Tour event held in his own state a couple months ago. After re-entering six times, Telupo was able to make Day 2 and get into the money, ultimately being eliminated in 87th place.

Roger has been telling everyone in his life about how close he was to going to The Bahamas and winning it all.

Wife is biggest detractor

Telupo’s wife, Mrs. Telupo, was seemingly incredulous about her husband’s poker skills.

“Right, he min-cashed a $86 shit-show event. But sure, he definitely would have won a $25k high-roller tournament against a sea of world beaters. He barely breaks even at 1/2, but Mustapha Kanit and Christoph Vogelsang would have had no chance at a final table with him. I swear, the hubris of you poker players is astounding. It’s like you’re all Kanye West, but with backpacks instead of talent.”

In addition to evidently being married to one badass bitch, Roger spends his time watching replays of High Stakes Poker and thinking about that one time he almost satellited into the Main Event on PartyPoker in 2005.

The PokerStars Players Championship is currently on its Day Four. Be sure to tune in all this week as zero Platinum Pass winners make deep runs and the tournament is inevitably won by someone like Talal Shakerchi who already has a hundred billion dollars.

Also read: Several Bots Accuse Real Humans Of Playing At Americas CardRoom

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Keith Woernle -

Writer

Keith is a professional poker player, stand-up comedian, and actor. With a sharp wit and a passion for strategy, he has made a name for himself at the poker tables, competing in high-stakes tournaments and cash games. Off the felt, Keith's comedic talent shines on stage, where he delivers engaging and humorous articles, connecting with audiences through his unique perspective on life and the poker world.

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