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October 15, 2014

Dan Colman Wins Record Lotto Jackpot, Says “It’s Whatever”

I Won The Lottery. WhateverHOLDEN, MASS. – Daniel Colman’s miraculous run of luck continued Wednesday as he won a $350 million jackpot in the Ultra Millions lottery.

This tops off a remarkable year in which the young poker pro has won 5 major tournaments, including the Big One for One Drop, earning over $22,000,000 in the space of just a few months.

Winning Lotto “Alright, I Guess”

Colman, who was reluctant to speak to the media, said winning that the big prize was “alright, I guess” as he posed for a few photos before bolting to the nearest Starbucks.

“It’s whatever. I forgot that I even bought the ticket. I think the clerk at the convenience store mentioned that the jackpot was getting big and asked if I wanted one, and I was like ‘sure what evs’. Are we done here? I need a mocha frap.”

Lotto officials and local reporters were outraged at Colman’s lack of cooperation.

Sam Spencer of the Boston Herald warned that brushing off the media may not be in the young poker champ’s best interests.

“He’ll get raked over the coals for the this. Let this serve as a warning to all future Ultra Millions jackpot winners: throw the media a bone if you know what’s good for you.”

“When we’re done writing about Colman, he’ll wish he’d never won the lottery.”

One angry columnist for the Holden Sun went so far as to call Colman a “petulant child”, declaring that he’s never covering another lottery ever ever again and that he really means it this time.

Threat to lottery economy?

A spokesman for the Ultra Millions lottery commission raised concerns about how this will affect the lottery ecosystem.

“Obviously, lottery players are free to behave however they wish, but I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to think about what’s best for the game,” said the spokesperson.

“I mean, just look at his face. Does he look like someone having fun winning a $350 million jackpot? Who’s going to want to win the lottery after seeing that?”

In a lengthy Tumblr post on Thursday, Colman responded to the backlash and condemned the state lottery system.

“Lotteries are a regressive tax on the poor. It’s an immoral means for politicians to increase revenues without raising taxes. Their biggest customers are the impoverished and uneducated, who buy tickets in greater numbers as unemployment rates rise, and view the lotto as a last-ditch investment strategy.”

“Anyways,” Colman concluded, “it’s kinda cool winning 350 mil I guess, but like I’m literally just so over it. Like I can’t even. I just can’t.”

Also Read: PHIL LAAK DIAGNOSED WITH PHIL LAAK’S DISEASE.

Article credit: Thomas Keeling